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7/29/99 NORTHBROOK, ILLINOIS -- In a stunning turn of events, several heavy hitters in the pharmaceutical and biotechnology industry have announced their intent to patent what some have called "the best medicine", laughter. Pfizer, Glaxo-Wellcome, and Merck all announced their own products, all part of the same class of "laughter" drugs because of similarities in chemical structure and physiological effects, but distinct enough to earn different patenting rights.
Though randomized controlled clinical trials, the gold standard by which the effectiveness of drugs are measured, have yet to be performed for laughter, touted as a cure-all panacea, scientists are urging the Food and Drug Administration to expedite approval of the new drug.
In a heavily publicized promotional event at Rockefeller Center in New York City, Pfizer unveiled its version of the drug, "Gygll", pronounced like the word "giggle", but spelled differently just so doctors and pharmacists can make deadly errors when they mispell the name of the drug, or when their patients don't know how to pronounce or spell the drugs that they are taking. Correspondingly, Pfizer also rolled out "Gygil", an unrelated drug which is so highly toxic that it can be lethal if given to humans over the age of twenty-two.
At the same time at its headquarters in the United Kingdom, Glaxo-Wellcome company representatives dressed up in sombreros, ponchos, and other festive garb for no apparent reason to promote their new version of laughter, assigned the trade name "Guff-aw". According to company reps., Guff-aw has ten times the potency of Gygll; representatives from competing pharmaceutical firms, however, point out the Guff-aw may cause undesirable side effects, and that when compared to a placebo, Guff-aw caused more people to look up from whatever they were doing and see who was so damn funny -- and to be disappointed shortly thereafter. Rumors also abound of other adverse events caused by Guff-aw, especially in highly susceptible paranoid individuals who think that the joke is about them.
Not all firms are finding success with the new class of "laughter". Hoping to create pure, pharmaceutical grade laughter from raw material, the Cambridge-based biotech firm Genzyme contracted Bob Saget, host of the cancelled ABC show "America's Funniest Home Videos", based on a Japanese television show of the same name except in Japanese, as well as Comedian Rich Little, who commented, "Well, Nancy," in his trademark impression of former U.S. President Ronald Reagan. To date, only a small sum of laughter has been produced, disappointing both company scientists and stockholders alike.