|
|||||||
|
|
|
|||||
|
|
|||||||
7/29/99 BOSTON -- In a bold move by the Massachusetts Medical Licensing Board, members of the 12-member panel committee decided to censure Doctor Pepper, a twelve-ounce can of carbonated beverage. A special expert committee will be convened next week to decide the eventual fate of the tasty and refreshing doctor, who faces possibly ingestion.
During the hearing, the doctor-beverage appeared emotionless, and gave no hint of reaction to, according to observers, apparently harsh criticism handed down by the state board. Two hours into the hearing, however, small droplets of condensation began to appear on the surface of the doctor's aluminum-based covering.
Later, however, the doctor reportedly commented "[I can't believe this is happening to me]" upon hearing the decision through a largely non-existing hearing apparatus. "[They're harassing me, really, and they're just after my unique taste.]"
Doctor Pepper received its training in Atlanta, Georgia, inside large processing vats at a major international bottling company. Said one former classmate who wanted to remain anonymous, "Man, I just don't think he deserves this." He went on to add, "And I'm still really pissed off for the plant manager pushing me into that vat full of soda and locking me in there for four years. But at least I got a degree out of it."
Critics cite that Doctor Pepper has failed to demonstrate competency in over 42 areas of medical proficiency, and furthermore, has also failed to demonstrate that he is a sentient being. Supporters, however, continue to rally around the doctor-beverage, claiming that many physicians in the workforce today regularly fail to demonstrate sentience. The American Civil Liberties Union also questioned the decision, warning: "As soon as doctors who are beverages are prevented from practicing, then institutionalized discrimination against doctors from diverse backgrounds and ethnic minorities can't be far behind."
Thus far, the courts have been silent on the issue, which has no legal precedent. Judge Howard Moskowitz, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that... oh, crud. Okay, well -- er -- a judge who wished to remain anonymous (but didn't) noted earlier today: "No, I don't think I've ever heard of a case like this, although I suspect that lawyers may invoke Marbury vs. Madison," alluding to a historical landmark decision by the Supreme Court that established the process of judicial review, before which Supreme Court justices just sat around in that big federal courthouse watching videotaped episodes of Judge Judy and the People's Court (although the presiding judge at that time was Judge Wapner, and not former New York City mayor Ed Koch).
The state medical licensing board has never ingested or otherwise consumed a doctor in its 246-year history.