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7/27/99 NEW YORK -- Early this morning, billionaire Sanford I. Weill held a private press conference to announce that he will donate yet another 100 million dollars to the medical school known formerly as the Cornell University Medical College, now known as the Joan and Sanford I. Weill Medical College and Graduate School of Medical Schiences of Cornell University, an institutional name engineered to offer hours upon hours of fun and ridicule. The funds, which suddenly appeared in Weill's coffers as Fed chairman Alan Greenspan itched his belly in a stunning turn of events late last night, will be earmarked for the construction of a "futuristic trailer park" for medical education, to be built on top of what is now a somewhat vacant lot on the south-west corner of East 70th Street and York Avenue, an intersection known to the local natives as "Seventiethandyork."
"I'm so proud," commented Antonio Gotto, Jr., Dean of the Weill Medical College. "We were able to lift Harvard Med's curriculum so successfully, but we just didn't have enough funds to also create our own version of Stanford Med's anatomy trailers. Hey, you're not [writing this down], are you?"
Students were overjoyed at the news. "I'm the editor of Stethoscope," commented second-year medical student Andy Teich, "so let me tell you something -- stop misquoting me, and making up things that I never said." After sighing, Mr. Teich went on to add, "Oh, and I'm overjoyed about this new development. You know, I was just thinking how much I missed the din and racket of construction into the wee hours, back when they were renovating Olin Hall. I just can't wait for the *real* heavy equipment to come in and smack our sense of hearing around every morning now."
Environmentalists led a protest later today to, well, protest. Activist Ray Dunn screamed, "Tornados bad! Vacant lot good! Trailer park bad! Vacant lot good!", alluding to the fears that the new trailer park will cause tornadoes, and other natural disasters such as hurricanes, typhoons, and White Trash, to migrate toward the Upper East Side of Manhattan. "This is almost as bad as the time those Ghostbuster guys wanted to keep their matrix of spirits in that old firehouse," he added.
The Ghostbusters were a fictional group of funny men who battled ghosts by trapping them using equally fictional "proton packs" and "traps", keeping the spirits in a fictional "containment grid", all featured in a mid 80's movie by the same name. The plot of the movie climaxed when the character of the environmental agency representative ordered a police officer to shut down the containment grid, releasing all of the spirits contained within and triggering a apocolyptic pandemonium and the eventual creation of a gigantic marshmallow man. The marshmallow man was eventually destroyed by the Ghostbusters after leaving behind a trail of nearly $431 dollars in damage. Bill Murray could not be reached for comment, mostly because we couldn't find his phone number.